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New Batavian Herald
The New Batavian Herald is the national newspaper for the Republic of Displaced Calvinists. Published in the captial city of New Batavia Colony, it covers all the events of importance to the life of the Republic. As the nation has grown from a tiny plantation colony into a full-fledged country, so the newspaper has grown from a single page weekly flyer into a well-respected journal published six days a week. Current Headlines BREAKING NEWS: Booming Economy, Health Care, Fuels Rapid Growth Drop in interest rates combined with expanded health care sparks unprecedented national growth, despite floods & drought.... National happiness soars as stadiums and a new Gendarme HQ are built... Economic Mission to allied nation of Botswana a huge success.... Shipwreck dumps cargo along coast.... '' May 28, 2007 Domestic News: *Our Royal Republic's economy and population base accelerated growth has continued, due to the rapid expansion of our national infrastructure and declining interest rates over the past month. Despite a continued drought in our frontier regions, and flooding in the Coligny District, the economy has boomed. Interest rates for April and May dropped a total of 6%, while the establishment of new trades has created a new industry in the production of Automobiles. *Aiding our economy is the establishment of an extensive national health care system. A series of five Clinics nationwide, along with the founding of St. Giles Presbyterian Hospital has caused our national population base to soar. Population increases have caused the capital city of New Batavia Colony and the suburb of St Giles Village to merge into a single metropolitan area. *A new School, Four new Stadiums and a new National Gendarme Police Headquarters has also added to our nation's unprecedented economic growth. The grandest of these new Stadiums is the Botswana International Friendship Arena in Port St Paul, gifted to our nation as an expression of thanks from our ally and friend, the nation of Botswana. International: *Our Foreign Ministry Office has announced the return of our team of international economic advisers from their recent visit to the nation of Botswana. President Jatutt had requested international help regarding his nation's increasingly stagnant economy. In response, our Royal Republic sent our nation's wealthiest man, Water industry tycoon Roland LeBlanc, along with Finance Minister Jacques DuBois, and the Grand Quartermaster of La Gendarmerie Nationale, Captain Gaspar de Rochelle. The special commission's recommendations were followed by President Jatutt. Botswana's network of Labor Camps were demolished. Clinics, Schools and Universities were built in their place, creating a new socio-economic class of wealthy Scholars in Botswana, and the Revolutionary Government replaced by a Monarchy. Celebrations spread across Botswana like wild-fire as the national standards of living skyrocketed and forced labor abolished. In thanks, the people and government of Botswana funded and built for the people of our nation a beautiful new arena in Port St Paul. This touching gift, dubbed the Botswana International Friendship Arena, will stand as a reminder of the eternal link of cooperation between our two countries. *Shipwreck! The nation of Jerushellen lost one of their cargo ships off our coasts near the city of Nouvelle Rochelle earlier this month, spreading wreckage and fully ladened cargo containers all across the western half of the Coastal District. In the early morning hours of May 17th, Gendarme agents arrived on the scene, only to find that our conscientious populace had already rescued the poor shipwrecked sailors. Other citizens, led by the local pastors of the Nouvelle Rochelle community, had saved as much of the cargo as possible, placing the containers in orderly rows under banners that read, "Thou shalt not steal." The cargo has been returned to the government of Jerushellen, and our nation has been rewarded with a per-capita finders fee. Sheldomar Elected Alliance Chancellor! ''King Sheldomar I elected to top leadership position in Christian Coalition of Countries... CCC internal politics stabilize, alliance flourishes... Domestic News: Universities founded! Economy booms!.... May 4, 2007 *''International:'' In the aftermath and confusion of the Third Great War, our alliance, the Christian Coalition of Countries, has honored King Sheldomar I by electing him Chancellor of the CCC. The Chancellorship is the highest ranking office in the alliance. Boucher of Concord Dawn was chosen by Sheldomar as the alliance Vice Chancellor. Since the election, the alliance has recovered from the uncertainty caused in part by the chaos of the Third Great War, and appears headed for a bright and prosperous future. *''Domestic:'' Our Royal Republic has established two of the finest universities found anywhere in the Christian world! Two weeks ago, the University of the Huguenots opened its doors in the capital city of New Batavia Colony. Last week, Coligny University opened its doors in downtown Coligny. Literacy is on the rise, and the economy has been booming ever since. Meanwhile, Christian scholars, preachers, and ministers now have the quality education available to help them become even more effective servants of Christ's flock. *Interest rates dropped again for the second time in recent weeks. The population response has been nothing less than ecstatic. At the same time, the economy has taken a minor hit in the fact that drought has stricken our farthest frontiers, making the lands next to unusable over the next month. Despite that, national water and cattle output has not slowed, and the economy continues to prosper. ---- Past Headlines & News Stories Autumn 2006 Independence! France has abandoned us, but the Lord shall take us up! 18 October: After weeks of frustrating, one-way attempts at negotiating with our homeland's colonial ministry, we have concluded that we have been deliberately abandoned and left to fend for ourselves. Colonial Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak led the signing today of our declaration of independance, and the formation of a new Republic dedicated to our precious religious liberties. As of today, our tiny plantation of New Batavia Colony is now known as the Republic of Displaced Calvinists. May God's face shine upon us. Mid-Week Prayer Meeting Riots of Oct. 25th Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau Accused of Spying for Jesuits Due to some rather exceptional blunders by members of Displaced Calvinists' government, particularly on the part of former Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau, a portion of the population rose up in a minor rebellion known as the Mid-Week Prayer Meeting Riots of October 25th. It had been made public by Parliamentary Classis Member, Reverend Ian MacKenzie to his Scottish Free Presbyterian congregation in their Wednesday night prayer meeting, that Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau had been behind the recent failure of the colony's coffee plantations and salt mines. MacKenzie accused the Finance Minister of being a Jesuit spy sent to sabotage the colony. The Scottish Presbyterians took to the streets in protest, and soon the entire population of New Batavia Colony was in an uproar, demanding Bruchard-Cleuseau's immediate ouster. Bruchard-Cleuseau urged the government to put down the riots with military force, but Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak and Public Safety Minister Yves Purdue made speeches in the public square and over the national radio station appealing for calm while an official inquiry took place. Before an inquiry could officially begin, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau fled the country with a sizable but undisclosed portion of the nation's wealth. Found in his personal possessions left behind were a rosary, five vials of holy water, a Roman Catholic Missal, a small desk flag from Vatican City, and the clerical garb of a Roman Catholic priest in Bruchard-Cleuseau's size. When the evidence was handed over to the Governor-General, the rosary exploded, and would have killed Mr. Bolak had not his deluxe copy of Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion shielded him from the blast. The Great Recession of Oct. 21st Coffee Plantations Fail... Salt Mine Explosion Kills Mining Project Further inquiries have revealed that the Great Recession of Oct. 21st was also directly attributable to former Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau as a direct result of his personally sabotaging the coffee milling equipment purchased for the fledgling plantations. His finger prints were also found on a set of explosives caps that were used to dynamite the new salt mines closed just as the Governor-General was officiating at their Grand Opening. That act of sabotage put an end to the mining project permanently, and nearly killed Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak and injured four members of the ruling Legislative Classis. New Interim Finance Minister Appointed Bruchard-Cleuseau Replaced! Good Riddance You Filthy Bum! 5 November: Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Former Finance Minister and accused Jesuit spy Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau has been officially replaced one week after fleeing for Rome after embezzling the colony's funds and trying to assassinate the Governor-General. Jacques Du Bois, a deacon in the French Lutheran congregation, has been appointed by the Governor-General and the Legislative Classis as interim Finance Minister. Minister Du Bois prayed for God's assistance in his new duties at his inauguration last Thursday, November 2nd. Meanwhile, Guy Fawkes Celebration events include stuffing gun powder into effigies of Bruchard-Cleuseau and detonating them in the city square at noon today. Technology Arrives! Positive signs of growth show Displaced Calvinists on Right Track 8 November: Finally, for the first time since our Colony was abandoned by our homeland and we were left to fend for ourselves, we have Technology! The AM Radio station now has a generator instead of announcer Pierre Maynard running a treadmill between commercial breaks. Soon, kerosene lamps will be a thing of the past! Debate is underway whether to lay ground lines for a future telephone system, or skip straight to cell phones. The future for Displaced Calvinists is bright indeed! Embassy Bombing in Yasnaya Polyana! Embassy building leveled.... 8 Dead.... Jesuit spies blamed.... Warrant issued for Bruchard-Cleuseau's arrest.... Minister Purdue describes "Jesuit Threat" to our Republic....Papacy denies responsibility.... 12 November: Tragic events greet us this Lord's Day morning, as word comes of the horrific bombing of our embassy building in the nation of Yasnaya Polyana. Displaced Calvinists' good-will ambassadors, Francois and Claudette Treudeaux, were slain by a blast that leveled the embassy building. Surviving witnesses claim a man dressed as a Jesuit priest and matching the description of former Finance Minister Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau was seen dropping off a large vial of holy water wrapped in a rosary at the Ambassadors' residence, ringing the doorbell, and then running while laughing maniacally in Latin. Forensics teams reveal that the holy water was really nitroglycerin, and the rosary contained a timer and blasting caps. In response to this tragic event, Governor-General Bolak and the ambassador from Yasanya Polyana issued a joint statement of condolences to the Treudeaux family following the National Sabbath School Radio Hour. Yves Purdue, Minister of Public Safety, has issued a warrant for Bruchard-Cleuseau's arrest, and has dispatched special agents of La Gendarmerie Nationale to track him down and bring him to justice. Minister Purdue remarked, "We made a big mistake to think that by letting him leave the country, that he'd no longer be a problem to us. We must deal with Bruchard-Cleuseau and the Jesuit threat once and for all!" Meanwhile, representatives from the Vatican denounced the act as the work of a renegade madman, and report that they are also seeking Bruchard-Cleuseau for questioning. However, the Papists took the ill-timed opportunity to accuse our beloved Republic and the Treudeaux family of smuggling pocket Bibles into Catholic countries in an attempt to spread Protestantism, which they labeled, "a reprehensible act of terrorism in and of itself!" The Papal spokesmen railed, "These Protestant heretics have Bibles, Fast-Food, and Uranium. Can you think of a more Devilish combination?" The Stated Clerk of the Consistitory, Rev. Pierre-Paul LeFevre, responded to the Romanist insults with 2 Timothy 3:8-9, "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth...but they shall proceed no further, for their folly shall be manifest to all men." Alliances Considered Nov 16 Alliances Debated in the Classis... "Voice of the Huguenots" Shortwave station begins first broadcasts... The hunt for Bruchard-Cleuseau continues... Presbyterians still agitated from October riots... *The Parliamentary Classis is considering various alliance options for the sake of increased national security in the wake of the Embassy bombings in Yasnaya Polyana last weekend. Overtures have been received from at least two alliances, and the Classis is considering making overtures to a third possibility. The names of the alliances being considered have been withheld for security reasons. *Great News! The new international shortwave radio station has just been completed on Mont Jan-Hus! "Voice of the Huguenots" has begun broadcasting this evening, sending news of the Gospel around the world! French, Italian, English, Dutch, and Spanish language programs represent our nation to the world, and share the Good News of Jesus Christ in regions where our ministers would never be allowed to preach. Pray for our broadcasts, that they bear much good fruit. *Public Safety Minister Yves Purdue reports that our Gendarme agents have begun collecting clues and are now hot on the trail of the mastermind Jesuit terrorist, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau. "This mission will take our men to the far corners of the Globe, but be assured, we will prevent this madman from taking another innocent life," was Major Purdue's promise to our beloved Republic. *Assistant Pastor George Irving of the Free Presbyterian congregation reports that the English-speaking populace is still up in arms over Bruchard-Cleuseau's espionage and acts of sabotage that so terribly disrupted life in our Republic. He disclosed that certain congregational members were barely restrained from open rebellion against our nation, and the quick actions of our government in taking control of the situation most likely saved the colony from unraveling at the seams. Meanwhile, several Presbyterians demonstrated in the streets of St. Giles Village and New Batavia yesterday, chanting and waving placard signs that read, "Kill Cleauseau!" Rebellion Rumored in Huguesville District! Secret Organization hiding in the countryside said to be plotting to take over the government... National Productivity declines... Governor-General Bolak's speech... Presbyterians renew their protests... November 19: The nation's morale took a nose-dive today as rumors surfaced of a secret rebel organization in Huguesville's rural cattle ranching district plotting to overthrow our government. While agents of La Gendarmerie Nationale investigate the allegations, Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak took to the airwaves on Radio RCD-1 to reassure the populace of the strength and stability of our Republic: "If we can survive the machinations of Bruchard-Cleuseau and the Jesuits, then we certainly have nothing to fear from a bunch of disgruntled ranch hands!" The mere mention of Bruchard-Cleuseau on national radio sent the Presbyterians of St. Giles Village back to the streets in a renewed protest against our former Finance Minister's acts of sabotage and espionage. Alliance With CCC Approved! Displaced Calvinists now a Member of CCC... Huguesville Rebels Negotiate... Floods Ravage Huguesville Rural District! 22 November: An alliance treaty was signed earlier this week with the Christian Coalition of Countries (CCC), as the Classis voted 7 to 2 in favor of the alliance. News of our Republic joining the CCC was greeted with much rejoicing in the streets of New Batavia. The Governor-General told the nation, "This is a new day, that promises increased security for our tiny Republic." The supposedly secret organization rebelling in the Huguesville countryside districts is none other than the Huguesville Cattlemen's Association! Turns out, that much of the populace of our Republic have been very unhappy about our nation's stance as a pacifist state and the negative effect it has been having on our economy. Instead of military force, the government has opened negotiations. "In our hunt for Bruchard-Cleuseau, we've totally neglected the economic well-being of our own citizens," declared interim Finance Minister, Jacques Du Bois, in the government's address to the nation over Radio RCD-1. "The Huguesville Ranchers' grievances are being examined carefully, and some of their more reasonable demands have already been met." The October rainy seasons have lingered late into November this year, with disastrous results. Unexpected downpours have taken their toll in the Huguesville Rural District, sweeping away many homes in the worst flooding in our nation's short history. The troubles in the countryside are making relief efforts difficult at best. "It may be a month or more before we can get help out to the worst-hit areas," reports Public Safety Minister, Yves Purdue, "The Cattlemen have chosen a poor time to rebel, as it makes it so much harder for us to help them now." CCC Chancellor's Nation Attacked! Holy American Empire suffers unprovoked attack from Notre Dame... War Relief Funds sent... *Happy Thanksgiving! This holiday reminds us of the blessings of peace we have enjoyed, despite the troubles our young Republic has experienced. Thanks be to God, who has given us all good things to enjoy. *Imperator Paulus I, the Chancellor of our alliance, the CCC, and ruler of the Holy American Empire, found himself under an unprovoked and sudden attack by forces of the rogue nation of Notre Dame, led by the mysterious and allegedly unstable Mark Raynor. The war opened with a nuclear missile raining down unexpectedly upon the Holy American Empire, followed by repeated air raids and infantry incursions. The reason given? Simply that the Holy American Empire is a member of the Black team. Fellow members of our alliance have sent in troops, funds, and other aid, and have helped the Holy American Empire beat back the aggressor. *Special Thanksgiving Day offerings were taken in New Batavia Colony, St. Giles, and Coligny for the War Relief Efforts, and 20,000 Central African Francs were raised to ease the suffering of the hard-hit citizens of the H.A.E. Our offer of sending in a handful of Gendarme peace keeper troops was deemed unnecessary. Peace negotiations are rumored to currently be underway between members of our alliance and Notre Dame. It is reported that the aggressor nation has been reduced from a feared nuclear power into being not much more powerful than our tiny Republic. Government Changed to Democracy Governing bodies of the capital city and the nation separated... Alliance's war with Notre Dame ended... Collapse of Fast Food industry averted... New Harbor established! Port Saint-Paul opens for business... Oil prices drop... Christmas declared a national holiday... *In response to the demands for fairer representation by the rebels in the Huguesville Rural District, the Republic has been reorganized into a Democratic Republic. The governing bodies of the nation and the capital city have been separated, and are no longer one and the same. The entire national Classis has resigned from the New Batavia city council, and the Governor-General has resigned from the post as Mayor of the capital. They will focus on running the nation on behalf of all its citizens, while New Batavia Colony gears up for elections to fill its vacant city government positions. Celebrations broke out in Huguesville, Cauvin, and Coligny at the promise of being given a more equitable representation in national politics. *Our Alliance is at peace again! Holy American Empire's war with Notre Dame has ended. The Christian Coalition of Countries (CCC) has sent aid to the Holy American Empire to assist in the rebuilding of their infrastructure, while the attacking nation, Notre Dame, has crumbled into utter ruin. The rogue nation of Notre Dame has collapsed into oblivion, and its leader, Mark Raynor has disappeared. Final Score: Holy American 112, Notre Dame 0. *The nation's much admired Fast Food industry nearly collapsed as Crazyland's trade agreement with us failed to be renewed this month. With Foreign Aid from our alliance, we were able to complete construction of the harbor at Port Saint-Paul, and secure a new source of pigs before the trade agreement expired. People on the street gave a sigh of relief, knowing that their favorite Trumpet-Blaster Triple Bacon Burgers won't be disappearing from the national diet any time soon. *Port Saint-Paul opens for business! Our seaport harbor city of Port Saint-Paul has been completed just in time, averting a looming economic collapse by helping bring in more trade goods into our country. With the new resources, not only has our Fast Food industry been spared from ruin, but we now also have Beer. Successful breweries have started up in Coligny and Port Saint-Paul, producing fine quality ales and stouts. The government has outlawed cheap, low-quality beers like Budweiser, in an effort to protect our high-quality domestic brews and discourage public drunkenness. The port has also brought in fresh supplies of oil, making the resource cheaper for the general public. Our population has never been happier! *In response from suggestions from the Lutheran Association and the Calvinist Baptist Union, the government has decided to officially recognize Christmas as a national holiday. Debate raged between the Lutherans and certain elements of the Reformed community over whether it was appropriate for Protestants to celebrate the holiday. In the end, the parliamentary Classis voted unanimously to let everyone have the day off and observe it as each individual sees fit. Breaking News! Jean Bruchard-Cleauseau Reportedly Captured! Our Gendarme Agents overseas have reportedly apprehended the notorious Jesuit terrorist, traitor, and spy, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau! Details to follow.... Winter 2006-2007 Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau to Stand Trial for Terrorism! Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau arrested, brought back to stand trial... National Stadium dedicated... Huguesville ends its rebellion... Happy Hannukah to our Jewish community! *Accused traitor, spy, terrorist, and motorcycle thief, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau, has been arrested by our heroic Calvinist Gendarme agents overseas. He was posing as an assistant professor of Latin and Demolitions in a small Jesuit college in the French countryside near La Rochelle, the former site of the recently collapsed nation of Notre Dame. A chartered Air France flight brought our agents and their catch safely to the airstrip at St. Giles Village to a cheering crowd of Presbyterians. The moderator of the Consistitory, Rev. Pierre-Paul LeFevre, released a statement that the list of charges against the former Finance Minister will be finalized and that his trial will begin after the new year. *Lt. Jean-Claude Van Darne was credited with the single-handed capture of Mr Cleuseau in an epic display of martial arts. Lance Cpl. Michael Desmonde described the capture, "It was like straight out of the hit movie, ''Crouching Reformer, Hidden Papist. He took on 19 Jesuit priests single-handedly! Of course, with those red sashes, he thougth they were kung-fu experts of some kind, and treated them accordingly. They were dumbfounded, and he went through them pretty quickly. But when he reached Bruchard-Cleuseau in the college chapel, the fight lasted for hours. They tore that place apart, flying all over the place with their martial-arts moves. It was pretty cool to watch. Bruchard-Cleuseau threw bottle after bottle of nitro glycerin at the Lieutenant, and he just kept dodging them until he could get a good series of karate chops on him. Finally, Lt Van Darne shoved one of Cleuseau's own nitro bottles down his pants and gave him a good shake. Looked like last month's Guy Fawkes celebration! Bruchard-Cleuseau wasn't putting up any resistance after that." *Even more reasons to rejoice this season! The John Calvin Memorial Stadium opened for business this week, just in time for the National Croquet championships! The crowds cheered as Lamont DuPoint of Coligny walked away with the championship trophy. The Lawn Bowling Tournament of Champions is scheduled over the Christmas holiday, followed by the Huguesville Cattlemen's Rodeo Finals during the New Year weekend. *The Huguesville Cattlemens' Association formally ended their rebellion against the government, accepting the recent changes in our government as reason enough to lay down their arms. The Cattlemens' Association and the government signed a Good-Faith Accord, declaring the conflict to be over. "We are pleased to have a peaceful resolution," stated Public Safety Minister, Yves Purdue, "We can all go home now and enjoy our Christmas holiday." Explosion Levels Calvinist Gendarme Headquarters! Over 100 killed or injured... Bruchard-Cleuseau Missing!... State of Emergency Declared... Elections postponed... *It is not a Joyeux Noël this year for our Republic, as a suspected terrorist explosion rocked New Batavia Colony on Christmas Eve, shattering windows across the capital city and leveling the Calvinist Gendarme Headquarters. Fortunately, Commandant-Major Yves Purdue was preparing to attend Christmas Eve services at the time, and escaped injury, but over 100 of our brave Calvinist Gendarme servicemen were killed or injured in the blast. Gendarme agents and inspectors from across the nation are gathering to investigate the cause of the explosion. Terrorism is suspected, but has not yet been proven. The pillar of smoke could be seen rising above the capital as far away as the Cauvin district. *Notorious spy and terrorist, Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau, is now missing, as his cell block was ripped open by the explosion. It is not known whether he has escaped, or is trapped under the rubble. *Public Safety Minister, Commandant-Major Yves Purdue, has issued a State of Emergency due to the explosion. The National Classis is voting on whether or not to close the borders during this time of crisis. *Public Elections are now in jeopardy due to the Christmas Eve explosion. Roland LeBlanc's newly formed "Capitalism Now!" party lodged a public complaint with the Classis, claiming that the pro-Democracy cattle ranchers and the pro-Republic church elders were using the crisis to shut him out of national politics. "Not now, Roland, not now, please," was Governor-General Sheldomar Bolak's simple reply. Dam Sabotaged, Coligny Flooded Explosion at Coligny Hydroelectric Dam breaches secondary floodgate... City of Coligny flooded... Sabotage bears marks of Bruchard-Cleuseau's evil handiwork... Capitism Now! movement sweeps elections... New Year's Rodeo Events continuing as scheduled... Happy New Year, 2007! *A massive explosion breached the secondary floodgate at the Coligny Hydroelectric Dam (formerly Kpong Dam) along the Volta River late Saturday afternoon, causing catostrophic damage down river. Especially hard hit is the city of Coligny, where the downtown district suffered severe flooding. Goverment funds to aid Coligny and repair the dam are being promised by the newly elected Moderator of the Parliamentary Synod, Roland LeBlanc. *To aid the economy in this time of crisis, Moderator LeBlanc has opened the nation's first bank, Huguenot National Bank in central New Batavia. "Keep voting for 'Capitialism Now!' candidates, and you'll soon see a branch in every major town!" Mr. LeBlanc promised at a New Year's election rally. Outgoing pro-Republic Moderator, Rev. Ian MacKenzie replied, "Th' love o' money is th' root of all sorts of evils. Mark my words, this Capitalism Now! gang is going to take our Republic down a sorry path, an' all for Mr. LeBlanc's personal gain." *Public Safety Minister, Yves Purdue issued the following statement regarding the recent explosions in New Batavia and Coligny Hydroelectric Dam, "I regret to report that both explosions bear the marks of Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau's own hand. Massive amounts of nitroglycerin were used in both explosions, and the remains of Bruchard-Cleuseau have not been found in the rubble of the Christmas Eve Explosion. Our only conclusion is that he has escaped, and is on the loose to terrorize our nation once more." Calvinist Gendarme agents were seen scouring the countryside in the Coligny district searching for signs of Bruchard-Cleuseau and his cohorts. *With the Parliamentary Classis and Synod elections going on as scheduled, Roland LeBlanc's "Capitalism Now!" candidates have won enough seats to control the government this legislative session. Pro-republic church elders were seen discussing their options with the pro-democracy cattlemen of Huguesville at a local Knox Junior Hamburger restaurant following the election results. Rumors abound of another political party forming to counteract Mr. LeBlanc's new found influence on the affairs of the Republic. *Keeping the spirits of our nation up, the Huguesville Cattlemen's Association will go forward with tomorrow's planned National Rodeo Finals. The event will be held in the capital's new John Calvin Memorial Stadium. Next week, the stadium is hosting the national Preaching Competition, which is expected to draw the finest pastors, ministers, and Sunday School teachers from across the continent. Don't miss it! Counterfeiting Crisis! Bruchard-Cleuseau Strikes Again! ''Brazen Break-In at National Treasury... Currency printing plates stolen!... Thousands of Phony Francs Flood Market... LeBlanc unseated as Synod Moderator... *Jean Bruchard-Cleuseau is alive, and up to his old tricks! Security footage caught the arch-foe of our Republic brazenly walking up to the back door of the National Treasury in broad daylight, taking the spare key from beneath the welcome mat, and walking right on in. Moments later, he is filmed strolling out with the plates used to print our national currency! An unnamed security guard stated, "I thought it looked a lot like him, but when he used the key instead of blowing the place up, I figured he must have been OK." Ian MacKenzie told the press, "I told Roland LeBlanc to get those locks changed! But he wanted to save a couple of francs and leave them be...." *Meanwhile, thousands of phony francs have began appearing across the Republic, printed from direct copies of our own government plates. Law enforcement officials under the command of Lt. Jean-Claude Van Darne are tracking down every counterfeit bill in an effort to zero in on Bruchard-Cleuseau's hide-out. *In the public uproar over the Counterfeiting Crisis, the nation's pro-Republic church elders have joined forces with the pro-Democracy cattlemen to form a coalition Democratic-Republic government. The result is that Rev. Ian MacKenzie is once again Moderator of the parliamentary Synod, unseating "Capitalism Now!" party leader, Roland LeBlanc. Polls show that 57% of the public believe that LeBlanc's policies are at least somewhat to blame for the recent monetary crisis. Race Riots Rock Republic! French Baptist and Ewe neighborhoods in capital burn as protest turns ugly.... *An anti-Baptist demonstration by representatives of the Ewe community turned violent last week as members of the French majority responded with a counter protest that degenerated into a full blow riot. The Ewe peoples, bussed in from the outlying rural areas of the Huguesville District, were demonstrating outside the headquarters for the French Calvinist Baptist Union. They were protesting efforts of the French Baptists to evangelize the Islamic and Voodoo populace of our Republic, when a counter demonstration of the "We Speak French Here, Buddy" ("Francophone Ici, Copain") movement materialized. Things quickly spiraled out of control. Details are sketchy, but the end result was the torching of the French Calvinist Baptist Union headquarters, a print shop used by the Baptists to produce evangelistic tracts, the Ewe Cultural Center, and an apartment building housing migrant Ewe workers. It was a tragic scene, but providentially, no deaths have been reported. La Gendarmerie Nationale responded by restoring order, which allowed the immediate rebuilding of the damaged structures. Fast Food Industry Collapses! Nation of Chafer Disappears... Supplies of Uranium and Sugar cut off... Dozens of Atomic Technicians jobless... Fast Food Industry Collapses... Knox Junior Hamburger & Geneva Fried Chicken chains close... Nation's popular culture left shaken.... February 4th *The nation of Chafer, our source for Uranium and Sugar, has disappeared off the map, taking their resources with them. *The loss of Uranium imports has shut down our nuclear reactor on the outskirts of the capital, and has left the Atomic Research team without employment. Fortunately, the recently repaired hydroelectric dams along the Volta River have taken up the slack, providing enough electricity to cover our nation's needs. *Worse for the common citizen is the collapse of our beloved Fast Food industry. No more Knox Junior Hamburger Restaurants! No more Triple Trumpet-Blaster Bacon Burgers to keep the populace happy! No more Ferrel's Geneva Fried Chicken stands! The foundational icons for our nation's popular culture have vanished overnight! And the people are getting nervous. *Calvinist Minister of Public Safety, Commandant-Major Yves Purdue, has quietly put La Gendarmerie Nationale on alert, in case there's trouble. An unnamed Gendarme officer told the Herald, "We might be facing a coup attempt here in downtown New Batavia Colony if this crisis doesn't get resolved before too long." Displaced Calvinists Fast Food Crisis: Day 3 February 7: In the aftermath of losing its supply of Sugar, the RDC is experiencing a serious economic, psychological, and gastronomical system shock with the closure of the nation's beloved Fast Food industry. *Increasing numbers of citizens are reporting a vague, unfamiliar, and uneasy feeling that doctors are describing as, "healthy." *Not only have the nation's Fast Food restaurant chains closed down, but the numerous brands of snack foods that have previously been available in overabundance in local stores have all but disappeared. The last six-pack of RC (Reformed Calvinist) Cola ™ was sold at auction in Coligny this morning for a record 3,500 Central African Francs to Water Industry tycoon, Roland LeBlanc. *Public Safety Minister, Commandant-Major Yves Purdue, has ordered his Gendarme soldiers to commence with a nation-wide series of BBQ hamburger feeds in an attempt to control citizen discontent over the closure of the Knox Junior Hamburger chain. The Presbyterian community has been the focus of a series of emergency bacon-burger distribution programs in St. Giles Village. Meanwhile, military helicopters from the base at St. Marc have been spotted doing air-drops of fried chicken and garlic cheese-fries over the hard-hit rural regions of the Huguesville and Cauvin Districts. *Calvinist Diplomats are attempting to establish trade deals with foreign members of the Blue Trading Team to restore the sugar trade, but no agreements have been secured yet. Citizens Celebrate Return of Fast Food! New trade deal with Romae returns Sugar to our nation... Fast Food restaurants reopen... Celebrations in the streets... Government permanently closes nuclear power plant.... February 8: Citizens celebrated across the Republic today as word spread of a new trade deal with the nation of Romae that restored sugar and the Fast Food industry to our country. *Knox Junior Hamburger and Geneva Fried Chicken restaurants reopened nationwide today as throngs of celebrating citizens lined up for their beloved Triple Bacon Trumpet-Blaster Burgers, garlic cheese fries, and fried chicken. Trade with Romae has added new menu items as well: fish fillets, fish sticks, and anchovy pizza! A new Fast Food chain, Beza Pizza, is scheduled to open their doors in the coming weeks. *Knox Junior Hamburgers reported opening their first overseas branch as part of the trade deal with Romae, as our new trading partner now has Fast Food as well. Romae's capital city of Ravenna welcomed the restaurant with celebrations of their own. The Little Reformer Kids Meal ™ turned out to be a particular favorite among the Greek populace of the city, as each child received a Greek New Testament free with every meal. *The Parliamentary Synod has voted to permanently close the Batavian Science Center's Nuclear Reactor today. Despite the economic profit it earned, the cost in the national happiness and environment was deemed unacceptable. Each nuclear technician has been promised to be located with employment in either the hydroelectric industry or as government policy consultants until such a time as university teaching positions become available. Several technicians will be employed in the final shut down of the reactor and clean up of any atomic wastes left over as a result. Neighboring Nation of Afrilantis at War Major war erupts south of our borders... Reported meteor showers actually missiles... Our Republic not involved in conflict... Beware of radioactive tsunamis along coastline... February 10: The Foreign Ministry has issued news that our southern geographic neighbor, Afrilantis, has been accused by other foreign powers of funding the rogue military and nuclear exploits of the nation of Africa, and is now under attack. The parliamentary Synod of our Republic has declared itself neutral in this conflict. Those meteor showers people have reported seeing lately are actually cruise and nuclear missiles streaking across our airspace. Our Republic is not the target, and we are not at war. Public Safety Minister, Yves Purdue, has issued the following warnings to our Citizens: *All civilian air traffic has been restricted. Though we are neutral in this, there are foreign powers on all sides of this conflict that may stray into our airspace. We do not wish any missionary aviation flights to be shot down by accident. *Do not eat any fish that may wash up on our sea shores. They will most likely be radioactive. Citizens are advised to only eat fish imported from Romae, or that are caught from Lake Volta and the Volta River system. *Citizens of the St Paul Coastal District are especially advised to expect a series of nuclear tsunamis along our shorelines over the next several days. All non-essential personnel are urged to move inland for their own safety. *Citizens encountering foreign military personnel who may stray into our territory are urged NOT TO FEED THEM! They might not go away. Please simply point them to the nearest border crossing, and then run the opposite direction. But please do so as politely as possible. *Sit back, enjoy the fireworks, but please remember to wear the highest rating sun screen possible this week. Sheldomar Crowned King! Government changed to Monarchy to counter pro-Dictatorship FIC... Nation rejoices... potential coup averted.... also, War in Afrilantis continues.... CCC Founder Nation of S Baptist Federation is dissolved... '' February 23. *Downtown New Batavia Colony was filled with banners and cheering crowds last night as our Colonial Governor-General, Sheldomar Bolak, was crowned King Sheldomar I in a festive ceremony. Leaders of the opposing political parties in the parliamentary Synod, Rev. Ian MacKenzie of the Democratic-Republic party, and Roland LeBlanc of the Capitalism Now! party united with Chief Justice Pierre-Paul LeFevre in jointly placing the crown on King Sheldomar's head. The crowds sang Psalm 20 before the coronation and Psalm 21 afterwards as blue, white, and gold banners filled the air. *Not everyone was rejoicing last night. Members of the pro-Dictatorship ''We Speak French Here, Buddy (Francophone Ici, Copain, or FIC) party protested as Gendarme agents kept a tight watch and took names. Rumors abound that FIC, which was birthed in January's anti-Ewe race riots, and grew during the discontent of our recent Fast Food crisis, was planning a coup attempt to force their agenda on the nation. The parliamentary Synod voted overwhelmingly to elect Governor-General Bolak as King in order to solidify their power base against FIC's ambitions. FIC spokesman, Pierre Bon-Marche, issued a public statement, but it contains too many vulgar and unchristian words for our honored journal to put into print. *In an interview with the New Batavian Herald, newly crowned King Sheldomar I commented, "The choice to switch government types was a no-brainer. It was Roland LeBlanc's idea, really, but the entire Synod backed him up on it. People really love a Monarchy, and Roland promises we'll get a 5% break on all future Infrastructure purchases. How can we lose? And if it doesn't work out, I can always step down and go back to being Governor-General." King Sheldomar promised that the powers of the parliamentary Synod and the judicial Consistory will remain intact. International News: *The war in Afrilantis continues, as Anarchy sweeps our southern neighbor's territories. Afrilantis' presence on the African continent has been swept aside by those who are warring against President CeramicBowl's decision to send financial aid to the rogue nation of Africa. While we remain neutral in this conflict, our citizens continue to report unnatural flashes of light filling the waters of the Atlantic Ocean to the south of us, accompanied by the most frightening of apocalyptic noises. *Sad news today was announced within our alliance, the Christian Coalition of Countries. The nation that founded the CCC, S Baptist Federation, was dissolved this week, and its ruler, Curtis Martin, is no where to be found. Alliance flags will be flown at half staff for 30 days to mourn the passing of the founding nation. Sports: *Don't forget the monthly Lawn Bowling tournament continues this Saturday at John Calvin Memorial Stadium! Luc Marchand from Port St Paul is taking on national champion, Alexander Campbell of St Giles Village! Don't miss it! War With North_Korea! Unprovoked attack by North_Korea on CCC ally Vatican II... King Sheldomar announces decision to come to Pope Christopher I's aid... Pyongyang bombed, North_Korea invaded... Stunning victories!... Kim Jong-il's missiles strike Fort St Marc, Port St Paul... '' February 26. *CCC Ally, Pope Christopher I of Vatican II, announced late last night over diplomatic channels that his nation had been devastated by an unprovoked surprise attack by the rogue nation of North_Korea. North_Korean leader Kim Jong-il tried to threaten further force to blackmail Vatican II into submission as a slave of the Totalitarian state. Part of North_Korea's surprise ultimatum read, ''"...you will become a state of the great empire of Korea and display it in your about part accordingly "I am a state of the Empire of Korea, I follow the great leader Kim-Jong-il."...if at any time I feel that another one of your members is pressuring me, i'll waste no time leveling your nation." King Sheldomar Bolak called the Synod into an emergency session, and it was decided to immediately come to the aid of our CCC Ally. *Cruise missiles were successfully launched from the deck of Le Jean-Knox, striking targets in the enemy capital of Pyongyang. Fighters and Bombers scrambled out of the airstrip at Fort St Marc, clearing the skies of enemy aircraft and destroying one of the enemy's nuclear power plants. Waves of freshly purchased Calvinist Armor and thousands of brave Gendarme troopers then landed on the beaches of North_Korea, wiping out the evil dictator's army and driving his government into anarchy. The rest of the day was spent by our military in distributing Korean language Bibles and New Testaments among the liberated peoples of the Kim Jong-il's oppressed dominion. The short wave station at Mont Jan-Hus, RCD-2, Voice of the Huguenots, is broadcasting a special series of Christian programing to the Korean people to bring them the comfort of the Gospel in the midst of this terrible war. *Late this afternoon, a pair of Korean Taepo Dong missiles struck targets inside our Royal Republic. One hit a power station next to a Gendarme Naval installation in Port St Paul, and the second one destroyed a defensive tank position guarding the airstrip in Fort St Marc. Damage was extensive, though there is no available estimates of casualties. A communique from the evil rogue dictator followed shortly, requesting peace. King Sheldomar and the Synod are preparing a response to Kim Jong-il's offer to be delivered later tonight. *While North_Korea lists itself as a member of the New Pacific Order, the NPO has publicly denounced the unprovoked aggression of Kim Jong-il, and has disowned him, sending troops of their own from the nation of AugustusWood to aid in our cause against the allegedly unstable Totalitarian despot. *Meanwhile, the CCC has rogue problems of its own. The nation of Rylden, led by Benjamin1776, had received a foreign aid package designed to help it pay its obligations to other nations to whom it owed reparations. Instead, Benjamin1776 used those funds to attack two unsuspecting neighbors. The nation of Rylden has been expelled from the CCC, and all who wish to pillage it are now encouraged to raze this blight of a nation to the ground. Victory! RDC, Vatican II, and KeysOfHell_n_Death forces victorious over Kim Jong-il's North_Korea... Peace declared, reparations paid... Military standing down... March 2: Victory for our alliance, Christian Coalition of Countries! King Sheldomar and the Synod reported to cheering crowds today the signing of an armistice treaty with North_Korea, and an end to the war. *The combined forces of the Republic of Displaced Calvinists, Vatican II, and KeysOfHell_n_Death have vanquished the rogue who attacked Vatican II and attempted to enslave it. Dictator Kim Jong-il withdrew his harsh ultimatum, sued for peace, and agreed to pay reparations. NPO forces represented by the nation of AugustusWood have also accepted peace terms from former NPO member-gone-rogue, North_Korea. In the end, Kim Jong-il reluctantly agreed to hand over the Technology and research he has been building up and using in his plans to develop Nuclear Weapons. The world is a safer place tonight, thanks in part to our brave Gendarme forces. *Calvinist Casualty lists for the war include: 1 F-32 fighter, 1 B-52 bomber, 143 tanks, and 3,493 ground forces. Two Korean Taepo Dong missiles caused 20 units of damage to our internal infrastructure. Our military spent four cruise missiles on attacks on the enemy. *North_Korean losses: In all. La Gendarmerie Nationale of the Republic of Displaced Calvinists inflicted upon North_Korea 136.63 units of infrastructure damage, destroyed 2 fighter aircraft and 23 tanks. North_Korea lost 7,315 men to our armed forces, and we seized from the rogue nation 15 levels of technology, 31.354 miles of land, and $1,115.65 during the conflict. The other nations in the conflict have also reaped rewards of land and technology. North_Korea New Agency reports their war loss totals inflicted by all combatants amounts to, "the lives of 14,252 soldiers, 169 or so tanks, about 5,000 civilians, over 100 technology loss, about 590 infrastructure, about 10 of the two strongest aircraft, and around 800 miles of land." *The Royal Republican Air Corps of Displaced Calvinists is air dropping Korean language Bibles, New Testaments, and emergency food supplies to North_Korea, with hopes that they will get into the hands of the civilian population before Kim Jong-il's dictatorial government re-establishes control over the populace. Meanwhile, North_Korea has temporarily demilitarized itself while it struggles to recover from this frighteningly devastating war. *Meanwhile. CCC ally First Citizen Edgepik of Puente del Rio reports that the war that he and GATO were conducting against former CCC member gone rogue, Rylden, has come to an end. The nation of Rylden has agreed to pay reparations to those whom he has attacked, allowing a successful peace accord to be signed. Puente del Rio's defensive war against the rogue attacks of the Holy German Empire has also come to a conclusion. *In International news, the Afrilantis war with GATO continues unabated, with the Afrilantis capital of Indorapakki in the grips of civil anarchy. One wonders how long this superpower and the regime of CeramicBowl can hold out against this continued assault. The RDC continues its neutral stance in this conflict. Epidemic Sweeps Across the RDC Mysterious viral infection sweeps across our land... source unknown... neighboring Afrilantis disappears beneath the sea... '' Epidemic! March 7. The Minister of Public Safety, Yves Purdue, announced today that a mysterious viral infection is sweeping across the Royal Republic of Displaced Calvinists. Hardest hit is Port St Paul, second largest city in the Republic. Gendarme agents have been dispatched nationwide to contain the outbreak of the yet to be identified disease. National happiness has dropped a full three points. Commandant-Major Purdue told The New Batavian Herald that simply allowing the disease to run its course would have resulted in an estimated 15 percent drop in the population, which would have been, "a totally unacceptable loss of civilian life." Speculations on the source of the viral infection are a matter of public debate. Theories include biological weapons loaded on the pair of Taepo Dong Korean missiles that struck our nation during the North_Korea War, or possible biological agents being used by foreign powers in their war on our southern neighbor of Afrilantis, or just simply the natural hazards of living in West Africa. Whatever the source, rest assured that this outbreak is expected to be fully under control within a month's time. March 11. The Foreign Ministry announced today that our southern geographic neighbor, the mythical nation of Afrilantis, has disappeared beneath the waves of the Atlantic Ocean. The exact date of Afrilantis' descent beneath the sea is unknown. Our government had expected a nuclear tsunami in the event of the destruction of the Afrilantis capital of Indorapakki, but no such atomic tidal wave materialized. A lone survivor picked up by the Calvinist naval vessel, ''Le Jean-Knox, muttered incoherently about President CeramicBowl pulling a giant plug beneath the city before it sank into oblivion. Afrilantis has now returned to the stuff of myth and legend. At its height, it was once regarded as one of the top 50 most powerful nations in all of Planet Bob. Spring 2007 Will Planet Bob Survive? Domestic News: Heat wave leads to drought conditions... outlying districts abandoned until rainy season begins next month... International News: Shake-up in the CCC... Great War III continues to rage... Will Planet Bob survive? *March 31: Domestic News: Drought conditions continue to escalate and reach crisis proportions as West Africa's dry season lingers on. Miles of what once was prime cattle grazing land on the frontiers of our Royal Republic now lay abandoned. Both livestock and populace are moving out away from the stricken frontier areas and back closer to Lake Volta and the Volta River for fresh water supplies. Until the rainy season is expected to begin sometime in the next month, much of the outer reaches of our nation will remain uninhabitable. *Water industry tycoon Roland LeBlanc opened the nation's third factory for business last Thursday evening in downtown Coligny. Mr LeBlanc, the nation's wealthiest man and leader of the Capitalism Now! movement, cut the ribbon in a gala ceremony. "I want everyone in our beloved Royal Republic to know that I am committed to reducing our nation's escalating infrastructure costs! This factory is an investment in everybody's future," he said during his speech at the factory opening. *'Sports': Gregoire Beaumont led the St Marc Cadets to victory in the competition croquet semi-finals this week, beating out the Nouvelle Rochelle Rockets. The Cadets will be facing the Mont Jan-Hus Mountaineers in the playoffs in John Calvin Memorial Stadium next week. *'International News': A major shake up in the leadership of our alliance, the Christian Coalition of Countries has occurred, in part due to the ongoing Third Great War. While the CCC remains neutral in the conflict, several in our midst were not. Vice Chancellor Nepenthes resigned his post and joined the RIA in order to take part in the conflict. Pope Christopher I of the nation of Vatican II resigned his post as the CCC's Foreign Minister and has ended up helping Legion. KeyStroke, ruler of KeysOfHell_n_Death and the CCC's Minister of Defense felt the neutrality of our alliance was in jeopardy due to Pope Christopher I's actions, and withdrew to join the GPA. CCC Chancellor Santiago has appointed our own King Sheldomar to the position of the alliance's Foreign Minister, while granting The Kaiser of Blue Cosmos the dual position of Vice Chancellor and Minister of Defense until elections can take place. While losing each of these members is sorely felt within the CCC, the alliance is calm and optimistic about its future and the strength of its members. *'Editorial: Will Planet Bob Survive?' The Third Great War continues to rage outside our borders as the future of entire continents and alliances hangs in the balance. The Initiative, led by NPO, and Aegis, led by GATO, continue their titanic struggle over who will shape the future of Planet Bob. The war of both military might and of words has only escalated, as an estimated three thousand of nations have disappeared from the map since the conflict began. The scope of this war is beyond imagination, and its cost in lives and infrastructure beyond calculation. Just as things could not seem to get any worse, a strange sudden hush enveloped the entire warring planet. First, international communications deteriorated, and then shut down. Then today, another strange phenomenon happened: Armies were unable to march, missiles unable to launch, and aircraft unable to fly their combat missions. | It is as if the entirety of Planet Bob has been put on hold. Rumors are circulating that the very fabric of our world's existence may have been compromised as a result of actions taken by some combatants in this Third Great War. The question remains: Will Planet Bob survive this war? World Returns to Normal? World functioning normally again... or is it? April 3: Suddenly, after several days of the entire world having /b/een shut down, Planet /B/ob is now up and running again. /B/eleaguered citizens aroused out of their stupor to find their world, frozen in time /b/y some unnatural weaponry used in the Great War, was now /b/ustling, /b/usy, and /b/ack to normal. Aircraft, radio, and transportation /b/egan running again sometime mid-morning local time. Apparently, one of the com/b/atants in the Great War had resorted to some ghastly, unnatural weapon that interfered with the very fa/b/ric of time and space itself. While the evil culprits who dared to tamper with the natural order have not fully succeeded in their dia/b/olical plan to destroy the universe, the pu/b/lic is complaining of some strange, vague, unidentifiable side-effects from this mystery weapon. While no one can quite put their finger on it, the world doesn't quite feel the same this morning. Whatever this /b/izzare, /b/ut yet to /b/e identified side-effect is, we are hopeful that the symptoms will su/b/side sometime /b/y /b/reakfast time tomorrow. category:The Republic of Displaced Calvinists category:News Publications